Where?

O, my soul,
my stubborn soul
and heart with heavy grief.
Wherein my sin
hides it's face;
void comfort and void peace.

One waking hour
like thousands more.
From dawn 'til dusk 'til morn.
Within the center
of unruly lust
crown it doth adorn.

Let it be
that flames descend
burn passion at it's core.
And strip away
my guilty stains.
Be peace forever more.

Fortune

"It doesn't matter. Who is without a flaw?"

Does any one else find it ironic that "Gift" is the word on the back?

(Ephesians 2:1-9)

As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our sinful nature and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature objects of wrath. But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast.

A Confession;

For some reason, I am troubled by the thought of going off to school. I feel a bit apprehensive about leaving my church, my community, and my family to receive a piece of paper proving that I've learned something. Especially something as broad a subject as biblical and theological studies. I wholly believe in higher education, but I think school ought to be for a certain trade/skill. If I am to learn the bible, what better place to learn it than the church? If I am to learn theology, what better place to learn it than the church? I think if the church wants somebody who is committed to the community and the body, knowing their needs and their strengths and weaknesses, they ought to look in the body itself. Why outsource to some seminary to find someone who may not fully understand what the local church needs until he's been there for an extended time?

Certainly there are credentials and requirements one must have in order to obtain a certain position, but why can't they come from the church themselves, and not an outside source? Shouldn't the Church have some kind of system of communication that allows an established church to vouch for a particular person to another church regarding a particular area of study and devotion?

I am rambling, I know. And I'm sure I haven't thought this through logically or exhaustively, but it's weighing me down. If it's not necessary for me to leave, then why leave? I could be getting hands-on training and education, all the while studying the same things another man is in some seminary or other bible college.

I guess what I'm saying is that I'm looking for an institution, implemented by the church, to train and raise individuals up in the ministry for the purpose of the spiritual growth of the Church (locally). Then, if God wills, one may take that experience, accredited by the church, not a piece of paper, and pursue further education from a non-ecclesiastical organization pertaining to a more narrow and defined ministry field.

I don't want to say that a seminary or bible college is not Church-affiliated, but I just don't like the system. Maybe, someday, I will get the chance to make a move toward this re-structuring. But until now, I will continue to pray and seek God's wisdom concerning this matter. I know He calls me to learn, I just don't know where or by what means.

Any thoughts or comments or even rebuttles would be greatly appreiciated, as this post is more from a state of confusion than frustration. I need direction, soon.

The Value of Chirst and The Anointing at Bethany (Matt 26)

Matthew 26:6-13 (NIV)

While Jesus was in Bethany in the home of a man known as Simon the Leper, a woman came to him with an alabaster jar of very expensive perfume, which she poured on his head as he was reclining at the table.

When the disciples saw this, they were indignant. "Why this waste?" they asked. "This perfume could have been sold at a high price and the money given to the poor."

Aware of this, Jesus said to them, "Why are you bothering this woman? She has done a beautiful thing to me. The poor you will always have with you, but you will not always have me. When she poured this perfume on my body, she did it to prepare me for burial. I tell you the truth, wherever this gospel is preached throughout the world, what she has done will also be told, in memory of her."

As I read this passage, I was (un)surprisingly convicted by the similarity of the disciples' response and my own response to Christ.

One line in particular stands out; "Why this waste?"
Waste? Waste?! Waste?!?! This is the Son of God, and it's waste?! How could they think that Jesus is not worth enough to be anointed with some perfume? How much do they actually value Him?! The pagans would build idols of gold, but these guys, who knew that Jesus was not just some false idol, thought this act of worship to be a stupid one?!

And then it hit me. How much do I value God? How much is He worth to me? Thirty pieces of silver? Where is my faith? Where is my love? I sing of surrender, but I wouldn't break my patchouli over His feet.

It's a funny thing, how we can get caught up in being a "Christian" by doing so many good things, but forget why we are doing it. We may say, "So the world will know Christ" but come on!! The world knows Christ. They know He died. But they don't know His love; His Mercy. Thus they do not value Him. They do not find Him worthy of worship.

So I am in the midst of a heart-check. I'm finding that I hold things higher than Christ. I'm finding that instead of offering the things that mean a lot to me, I hold onto them because I've incorrectly valued them.

We ought to re-evaluate our heart's affections, and if Christ is not in the center of our lives, then we are doing something wrong. How much more is a life than a bottle of oil? I want to give Him that.

Not Just Stationary

I love wearing jeans.
I love the holes in my ears.
I love my semi-apathetic attitude.
I love not wearing deodorant.
I love Patchouli.
I love completely dismantling people's prejudices against me.
I love shock and awe.
I love challenging puzzles.
I love the fact that I wasn't raised Christian.
I love my friends.
I love my family.

I love my life.

In light of it all, I love my life.

Absolutely Nothing Obeys God!

I planned to write about something from 2 peter, on false prophets and teachers; a part of that really weird night I had about a week ago. But something else is on my mind.

Absolutely nothing obeys God.

That sounds like heresy. But it's true, if you think about it. Read Genesis 1.

"In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. The earth was without form and void, and darkness was over the face of the deep. And the spirit of God was hovering over the waters. And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light....And God said, "Let there be an expanse in the in the midst of the waters, and let it separate the waters from the waters." .. and it was so..."

This pattern of creation continues until the end of chapter. God spoke, and it was so.

DOES THIS BLOW ANYONE ELSE'S MIND?!

Absolutely nothing obeys God! He just spoke and it came to be. That is glorious; That is awesome; That is the power of our God, the God who breathed into us our life and existence. And to turn our backs on something so divine is suicide. How dare we suppose we are any great being, having accomplished anything good! All we accomplish is Satan's work!

And the greatest miracle of all? The miracle of redemption! The miracle that God would look at me as perfect. What Just and Righteous God would allow such a creature into heaven? My God, because he is also loving. Loving enough to pay the devil for my soul. Hallelujah.

Nothing obeys God. Absoultely nothing!

Long Time, No Blog

Here are a few things I thought about blogging, but decided not to (for obvious reasons):

If pro-life people contend life begins at conception or shortly thereafter, then wouldn't we all be about 9 months older? Shouldn't I be 20 years old? I think you could argue against this and probably win, but it's fun to play with.

A few nights back, before I went to bed, I decided to scratch my head. I mean really scratch. I scratched all around, really getting that blow flow to my brain. It felt so good, I wanted to tell the whole world to do it. Maybe it would produce some really neat dreams, or at the very least, help you sleep better. Good thing I did not tell anyone to try it. I stayed up 2 hours, turning in my bed, trying to sleep. I thought about everything some one could possibly think about before I was finally able to drift off... and the dreams weren't even that great (I know this because I can't remember them)! So, my advice; Don't scratch your head before bed!

NOW, let me tell you about a project I've been working on. It's called [TheWhiteGuitarSessions] and it's really humbling and fun and creative. Basically, There is this guitar. It is white. It is a cheap, ugly, broken guitar. The bridge is made of toothpicks. The end pins are for another guitar, as well as the tuning pegs. Not to mention, the whole thing is painted with white primer, even the fret board. It only has five strings (The high E is missing) and it has numerous dead spots and an annoying fret buzz.

however,

It actually sounds pretty nice. It is tuned 3 steps lower than your regular tuning, thus creating a really cool resonate vibe that is smooth, yet coarse enough to rip through accompanying instruments. [TheWhiteGuitarSessions] is this: an attempt to record some of my catchy master pieces that only come while I'm in the flow. I have a mic and a sound hole pickup that I record with. It is all one take, made up on the fly, and everything is recorded including ringing phones, fret buzzes, all (and there are many) of my voice cracks and way way way off note vocal screw-ups. I have already recorded 2, which can be listened to here, at my Myspace. It's humbling for me to put them online for anyone to hear, because of all the mess ups, but that's the point.

What I want to be able to accomplish with this project is taking all of the thoughts I have trapped in my head and just release them into this monstrosity of noise, be it about my not wanting to be a Christian, my jealousy, or my complete happiness in where I'm at in life. I want something beautiful to come from something ugly. With all of it's seemingly uselessness, I want this guitar to be the medium of truth in my life. Bringing everything back to basics. So I hope it all works out. It's been alright so far.

I'll stop writing now, I got a text message I should read and I've already said enough.

It's Late. No, It's Early..

I can't sleep. And I am heavy laden with the burden of my sin. At first it was dismissible; the usual guilt, then I swept it into the dark of my mind. I sank into bed, and my mind began to race. I sat with my eyes open for close to an hour in the black of my room. The only light came from the moon half-covered by trees. But it was light enough to see. I thought about the state of the Church. I want to be careful, but I don't know from whom these thoughts flowed. But flow they did. What I saw, (I was not dreaming) was the pulpit, myself behind it, in a building not unlike my church. I felt as I do now; tired, but restless. I began to preach. It was not condemnation. Nor rebuke. It was an encouragement, or at least I hoped. It was a plea for reform. For revival.

I remember a dream I had a long time ago about a church I was to build. The details, being fuzzy, do not matter here, but I was hindered from erecting the building. There was God, not in any form that I can recall, nor in any audible message, but He instilled in me the knowledge of His plan. I was to overcome. That was the dream. I don't know what it means but right now that's all I can think of. That dream and this weighty all-nighter I find myself in.

I suppose I will not forget what the message and main points of the sermon I preached tonight on were. Nor the scripture I quoted. But for now I will spare you the read. Perhaps, however, I will at least outline my thoughts in future posts. I do not believe that it will be any divine revelation to anyone, or anything new, for that matter. But I suppose I ought to practice diligence in writing and grammar, and voice my thoughts on the matter of Christian radicalism.

I think I can sleep now.

Restoring Sight Looks Easy Enough...

There was a show on television, I was told, about a boy who was born blind. He underwent, with the aid of breakthrough medical research technology, a procedure that restored his sight. When he eventually came to, he could see! But that is not the end of the story.

Apparently, for those of us fortunate enough to be born with normal vision, from the moment we enter this world, our brain files and catalogs every image we see. Eventually, we will recognize certain images, such as our mothers or our favorite toy, and even link these images to certain emotions and feelings attached to those things.

So the boy in story, though he could see normally, had no recollection of things visually. He could recall a voice or a sound, but could not match anything with its image. He could not walk, write, tie his shoes, etc. without having to close his eyes and repeat from memory what he was forced to learn in his past. His brain had never cataloged any images, therefore had nothing to relate what he was seeing with what he knew to be real. He eventually learned, as babies do, to tie the two together and function normally.

What amazes me is that in the bible, we read about Jesus healing men blind from birth, men twice as old as I am, and those men functioning immediately with full rationality and clarity. They were able to communicate with others, spreading the fame of Jesus without delay or any time to "catalog" images. Jesus spits dirt in a man's eyes and is able create this mental system of visual recognition from the moment the man opens them!!!

I'll leave you with Matthew 15:29-31:

"Jesus went on from there and walked beside the Sea of Galilee. And he went up on the mountain and sat down there. And great crowds came to him, bringing with them the lame, the blind, the crippled, the mute, and many others, and they put them at his feet, and he healed them, so that the crowd wondered, when they saw the mute speaking, the crippled healthy, the lame walking, and the blind seeing. And they glorified the God of Israel."

God Requires Universal Obedience

As I read Chapter eight of The Mortification of Sin by John Owen, I was deeply struck by the profound simplicity and strong convictions of dealing with some expectations of God. As one man attempts to mortify a lust in his heart, yet only deals with it in prayer alone, then his efforts are in vain.

Channeling our obedience into one aspect of battling sin, yet neglecting our other basic necessities (i.e; prayer, fasting, meditation, reading, etc.) will only result in vain labor.

"He who truly seeks to mortify any disquieting lust, must be equally diligent in all parts of obedience."

Maybe this new found conviction will get me to read my bible more, and maybe then I can answer some of Colby's homework assignments!